The Trichotillomania Conference: My Experience
- Carmen Lepine, Rhode Island
- © Trichotillomania Learning Center, Inc. 2010. All Rights Reserved
It was in February this year that I had made the decision to attend the 17th Annual Trichotillomania and Skin Picking conference in Dallas, Texas. Living in Rhode Island, I knew it would be a challenge to go across the United States, but I knew I had to do it for myself. I was worth the money. This would be the opportunity of a lifetime to learn more about Trich and finally be able to meet someone with this disorder.
At that time, I had asked to take a couple of days off to attend the conference. I had no problem getting the time off, but was naturally asked what I was doing. Well, I did not want to admit that I was a hair puller and that I was going to attend a conference about it. Most definitely, I did not want to mention it to my boss. So, I told them I was going on a wellness retreat. They just didn’t know it was for my mental health wellness. My boss enjoyed the fact that I was doing something for myself and had enough guts to do it by myself. I am a quiet and reserved person and he was not expecting me to do this.
I kind of shocked myself as well. I would not really dream of spending money on myself, as I would rather help others or save up the money. However, all along it was myself who needed help and I needed to feel worthy of the expense. I also shocked myself that I was willing to go across the country to attend a conference to try and better understand what I was going through.
With the conference approaching, I steadily became more excited, yet nervous and anxious about taking this next step in my recovery. What was going to happen? Whom will I meet? Will I get to meet people who have recovered? Will I get to share my experiences related to Trich? Will this be the best thing I could have done for myself? Will I chicken out? I didn’t really know any of these answers until April 23, 2010. It was the first day of the conference.
Day 1
I was anxious to get to the airport. I did worry somewhat about whether the security officers would have to check through my bags. Only one item worried me. That was the Toppik. It is a powder-like shake-on “hair”. Will they take it out? Will they inspect it? At the RI airport, there’s this contraption that you stand in and a bunch of air is blown on your body, which is supposed to detect weapons or illegal substances. In either case, air blown on to a person with Toppik on their head does not mix well. I wondered if I would have to be separated to do this additional screening. I worried myself for nothing and didn’t have to do this. I was clear to head to my gate for departure.
When I arrived in Dallas, I called for the hotel shuttle. There were two other women on the shuttle. I don’t remember their names, but I happened to overhear them talking about Christina and Jennifer. Well, I recognized the names and asked if they were attending the conference. Both were presenting at the conference. I mentioned that I was attending as a first timer and a sufferer of Trich and one of the women said, “Welcome." That one word was the best thing to hear to get started and motivated for the weekend. I already felt accepted.
After checking in, I headed to my room and immediately laid down on the bed with a deep sigh. I made it! I was here! As the time drew closer to registration, worry set in. Registration started around 4pm. I spent from 4pm until 5:45pm pacing my hotel room, crying non-stop. I was so afraid to go downstairs to register. Perhaps it was the idea of starting this new chapter in my life or the fact that my mind still insisted that I was the only one with this disorder, that I was alone, that I was a freak! Yet, here I was at an entire conference about the disorder. It’s funny how the mind works. It just didn’t make sense. I paid and looked forward to the weekend and I just could not bear to take one step out of my hotel room door.
All I could say at this point was thank goodness for friends. I called my best friend who knew I was at the conference and asked her to help me. I needed encouragement. She suggested that I take the weekend in parts. I needed to take it one workshop at a time rather than thinking about it as a whole. Okay. I could do that. Also, she said that I should go downstairs, walk around, have dinner, and then sign up closer to the 6:30pm mark when the conference was going to start. Therefore, I would be less apt to come back to the room and worry again. Okay. I could do that. So that’s exactly what I did. Small steps, small steps, all I needed was a push to get me going.
At registration, I said my last name; the woman at the counter knew my first name. I thought that was impressive, especially with all the people who were there. It made me feel special. I was handed a booklet, my itinerary for the weekend. I walked into the main conference room and just stopped to look around. I was walking into a room of hope, of sufferers, of parents, and of professionals. It was pretty overwhelming, yet a wonderful thing to see. I spotted a table with two women. I asked to sit with them and “ding” friendships were already formed. By a show of hands, it was nice to see all the first timers. Amazingly, when I mentioned I had a hard time leaving my hotel room, others also said it was the same for them. I wasn’t the only one.
Christina Pearson had us do an exercise where we walked up to someone, said where we were from, our name, and what relationship we had to pulling or picking (parent, hair puller, skin picker, therapist). We had to this with four different people. What an amazing exercise! Seriously! How often is it we tell perfect strangers that we pull or pick? Never! Well, at least until that night.
After this opening welcome, I headed for my first workshop called Pulling and Picking 101. I finally saw Fred Penzel who wrote the book The Hair Pulling Problem. This was one of the first books I read on Trich last year when I was starting recovery. I also met Charles Mansueto, who certainly had a sense of humor and kept things very interesting. So far, this conference was turning out to be the best thing I could have done for myself.
After this workshop, there was an opening night reception. We ended up in groups by region. Through this, I met someone else from Rhode Island. We exchanged contact information in hopes that maybe a support group could be started. After the reception, I was at a point of being drained both emotionally and physically. But I finally knew I was in the right place. I was there to help myself and help others. I was not alone! What a relief!
Day 2
Okay…I survived the night. I did have a rough time sleeping, but I expected that. Everything was overwhelming and exciting from the previous day. However, I still woke up refreshed and renewed to start another day. I knew the second day was going to be filled with much more emotion and a lot more information to take in. Again, I had to remind myself that I was going to be okay and all I had to do was think of the day in parts rather than as a whole.
Before I headed downstairs, I got ready for the day. I went to grab my Toppik to cover up my head, but decided not to put it on. Everyone at the conference would understand. It was such a great feeling not to hide. At breakfast, I headed down for breakfast and caught up with friends from the night before. It was quite interesting that a number of people didn’t sleep their best either. Breakfast was delicious and a perfect way to charge up for the long day ahead.
After the morning welcome, I headed to the first workshop of the day called “Standing up to the Trichster” by Allen Weg. This was an excellent workshop. It taught me to really take charge and be aggressive with the “Trichster” not the disorder itself, but treating the disorder as a living thing. This was a different outlook and perspective on looking at Trich.
After a brief break, I attended the ComB workshop part 1 of 2. Learning all the different interventions that could be used to address our needs defined by the acronym SCAMP (sensory, cognitive, affective, motor, and place) were going to be useful for sure, as I am in the process of recovery.
The morning flew by and it was time for lunch. I sat with a new group of friends. I ended up with a few sufferers and a therapist at this table. Lunch was great as well. The food selection was again perfect. It was really exceeding my expectations. After I finished eating, I went to the Conference bookstore. There were numerous books and DVDs to choose from. I ended up getting the new book by Christina Pearson called Pearls. I also got Gary Hennerberg’s book, Urges and the Bad Hair Life DVD by Jennifer Raikes.
For session 5, I attended Gary Hennerberg’s workshop called “Living with Trich: How I Live with Trichotillomania”. Originally, I did not sign up for this workshop. The nice thing about this conference was the ability to change where we wanted to go based on our feelings, our hearts, and what we needed at that moment in time. So I followed my heart and am forever grateful I did. I listened to a man who lives with Trichotillomania and was so open about it. For me, this is a challenge. I need to talk more because it is helping me to heal. I was truly touched by hearing his experiences. I spent the entire workshop crying but it got me more motivated to be able to be more open when I return home.
By the last workshop, I was exhausted. I attended the session called “Shame and Guilt” by Fred Penzel. The two feelings of shame and guilt coincide with Trichotillomania and it was wonderful to understand the ways to overcome these feelings. After attending this session, I headed for my room. I was in need of a rest. After a nap I made my way downstairs for dinner. Slowly, others joined me…some new friends along with some friends I had met over the past two days.
During dinner, a couple of children spoke about their experiences with Hair Club, the sponsor for the TLC conference. These kids were so brave and gave very meaningful speeches. After dinner, I was exhausted again. It was 8:30pm. I decided to call it a night even though karaoke was on the agenda for the evening. I went to my room and I decided to journal. By midnight, I forced myself to get some sleep. I had had such an amazing, yet long day.
Day 3
I woke up early, but I had slept better. Thank goodness, because I knew I needed to be mentally prepared for the morning’s workshop. Before I went downstairs, I debated with myself again about using the Toppik. I knew I would be leaving on this day. I decided not to put it on. I felt so much better without it.
After breakfast, I went to the “Experiential Group for Trichotillomania and Skin Picking” workshop. I was really looking forward to this session because it was all about each person’s experiences with Trich or skin picking and the conference, whether a parent or a sufferer. The group was small, about eight people. I was glad it was so small because it was much more of an intimate setting. To my surprise, I volunteered to talk first. The first thing I mentioned was how I had such a difficult time heading down for registration. The conversation sparked from there. We all talked about successes, what worked and what didn’t work for each of us, and what support system we had. I really enjoyed the opportunity to share with such a great group of people who were all in the same position as I was.
After this workshop, everyone gathered for the last session, “Faces of Success” This was very emotional for me as well. For one, it was the last session before leaving. Two, numerous people talked about their experiences with success. Christina said that everyone is different when thinking of success with these disorders. One could have a completely full head of hair and not be pulling. Another could be bald, but leading a fulfilling life. It really depends on each person, on what each of us sees as success. Listening to everyone brought tears to my eyes. I know there’s hope!
The weekend was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. It was a blessing and I looked forward to flying home to continue on my journey in recovery of Trichotillomania.
Thank you to TLC, Christina Pearson, the volunteers, Hair Club, hotel staff, presenters, parents, educators, sufferers, and the whole Trichotillomania community. I’m glad to have had the chance to enjoy the opportunity of a lifetime. I am truly inspired and motivated for recovery. ~