(Reprinted from In Touch #5 © 1993)
Since the age of 12, back in 1972, I have pulled my eyelashes and eyebrows. I felt very alone and tormented continuously. I cried many a night, alone, afraid, full of self-hatred. I feel the pain today remembering those feelings as if it were now. I still struggle today with my eyelash and brow pulling, but the torment and self-hatred are gone. The layers of pain are being removed one by one, and more is being revealed to me on a consistent basis. Today I love myself. I have a lot of patience towards my recovery. I still do get frustrated if I've pulled but today I realize that I am in a process, and when I slip into my habit, I just have a new opportunity to learn a little more about who I am and why I pull.

One of the "helps" towards my recovery is the support group I attend. To know that I am not alone is such a relief. I have been attending for over one year and I have grown in so many different dimensions. I believe when I began the trichotillomania meetings is when I began to heal spiritually. Before that I had begun to work on accepting myself unconditionally, but to actually be surrounded by fellow pullers and to identify my life experience regarding hair pulling with their own stories really let my soul "know" I was not strange, weird, and many other labels I felt I was and had been told I was from ignorant acquaintances. I still am amazed at meetings to hear tales being told by other fellow hairpullers. They all have felt my pain, and many have experienced the same discomforts, i.e., fear of my make-up coming off if I swam, cried, perspired, rubbed my eyes, had my hair washed before a cut by a beautician, and much more.

I have spent many hours pulling; much time feeling isolated as I were a freak; much time in sheer panic, fearing anyone might notice and mention my "abnormality". Today I have a confidence where I don't feel like I am strange. I don't care if people notice that I have no eyelashes. Actually, I care but I don't value my self-worth on whether I have lashes or brows, therefore if someone notices I don't feel shame. I do look forward to the day where I can go without makeup, never having to check my makeup and I believe with all my heart that will be in the near future. I am finding that as I go to meetings I learn more about myself and about the affliction. There is something so spiritual that happens deep inside me. I see the fruit of the support group in my life today. I see the miracles happening also in the others in my group.


Cheryn Salazar