I've been pull free for over 2 1/2 years. I started pulling when I was 11 or 12. There wasn't anything that set me off that I can think of. My parents were out of town for a long weekend and my maternal grandmother was staying with us. I didn't feel particularly close to her, but I wasn't uncomfortable around her either. I remember my mother being upset when she returned because I'd pulled out a huge section of my hair in the back from the neck up. For some reason I remember my mom putting my hair in pig tails, though I don't think that covered the problem at all. It probably made it look worse, but I know she'd never have done it to be mean. I think I pulled my eyelashes and brows before this, but I'm not sure. I definitely pulled them for a short time and then never pulled from there again. My parents were incredibly supportive and loving and they never made me feel like I was some kind of a freak. I somehow understood that I wasn't defined by trich, that it was in fact, outside of who I really am. When I read in "Brain Lock" that impulse disorders are caused by false brain messages, it made so much sense to me. I think this was key to my ultimate recovery. And I was never ever made to feel like an outcast at school. Kids didn't ask me about my obvious lack of hair or tease me in any way. I had one kid pull off my headband when I was in Jr. High, but he was as shocked as I was and I could tell that he wasn't doing it to be mean.he was flirting with me! lol. He did nothing to hurt my feelings after the incident. I had plenty of friends from every different group and even had boyfriends from time to time. Don't get me wrong; pulling was the bane of my existence. I always felt like I was a decent looking person and this just kept me from living up to my full potential. And there were lots of activities I avoided - couldn't put my head under water while swimming (and I grew up on a lake), was uncomfortable during sleepovers and traveling, etc., but trich never stopped me from taking part in any of those experiences. Still, I worked hard at quitting and had a few periods of success where I quit wanting to pull and my hair grew in so that I could get it cut normally. These periods were short-lived because then the stress of life would hit (freshman year in college, then my 1st husband left me, then my 2nd husband pulled away from me, and finally, my 2nd husband had an affair and we separated) and I'd start pulling again. I always thought I was right back where I started. I hit rock bottom after my 2nd marriage ended and I pulled more than I had in years and years. I ended up having to wear a hairpiece that practically covered my head. I was grateful for the "normalcy" it allowed me, but it was uncomfortable and I became more determined than ever to overcome trich. One of the people I'd spoken to at length about trich said that the urge to pull didn't have to go away for me to have been free of trich. I didn't get it at the time, but eventually it clicked. I could ignore the urges; I could stand up to them, and be free. I didn't have to wait, as I had for decades, for them to go away for me to be free. This made sense to me at that moment and I was able to resist. I think a lot of things came together at the same time. I discovered just how strong I really am during my marital upheaval and I was determined to put this strength towards beating trich. Also, I decided to attack from all sides. I saw a psychiatrist and started taking Celexa (and stayed on it for 1 - 1 1/2 years). It didn't help at all with the urges, but moving forward empowered me. I also started to see a psychologist specializing in trich (about a year later). He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know or that I hadn't already thought of because as most all pullers, I'd put a lot of energy into analyzing my behavior, but again, it was empowering to put aside this time to deal with trich. I didn't employ the behavioral skills he shared because I found that prayer worked best for me and I explained this to him and he was supportive of my methods. By the time I saw this psychologist, I had quit pulling. And I've only had a few minor slips since then. I am actually most proud of the fact that I've been able to quit pulling after these slips instead of reverting to old habits as I'd done in the past after growing my hair back. Will I ever pull again? Maybe. probably. Will I ever go back to habitual pulling? I don't think so. I have the tools now to deal with it. I have a good support system online and now with family and friends. All sense of shame has vanished and I feel good about myself. Part of staying pull free has been giving to the trich community through encouraging others to quit. I love reading about the successes and understand and can empathize with the failures. I pulled for over 30 years and have now quit for the most part. If I can do it, anyone can.

Agnes Edgar
agnesedgar3@yahoo.com